I think I get on here almost every Monday and lament the fact that it is Monday.
It’s the day, week by week, when I wonder how I’ll ever find the motivation to do anything. Where I stare at the piles that have accumulated in my house that I’m certain was clean on Friday. The day I am excited to get back into the week’s routine only to have Adrienne decide to nap at strange times and scream during the in-betweens and where my frustration builds and usually lands itself square on Hadley’s shoulders.
It’s the day I look at Jordan before he leaves with pleading eyes, begging, “Please don’t leave me here.”
The day I drink extra coffee and spend more time on the couch, thinking that a lingering quiet time will somehow curb what I am certain is coming. And where I think that staring at my to-do list for the week might somehow result in an accomplishment or two.
But alas, there are still piles. Hadley is playing alone. Adrienne has slept at all the wrong times. I am showered but back in new pajamas. And we are having leftovers for dinner.
It’s not as if the weekend was rough. Actually, it was wonderful. I think maybe that’s the problem. I have a wonderful weekend at home with my family and then feel utterly abandoned as my husband goes off to, you know, work. I become instantly overwhelmed, lonely, and exhausted. I head to the couch with my Bible and coffee and then get up to start the day, only to realize that I might have left Jesus on the couch.
So as I stood in an extended shower while should-be-napping Adrienne cooed on the bathroom floor, I prayed and pondered my Monday situation. And you know what I realized? Nothing.
Well not nothing.
But I mean not this ah-ha moment where I had a new revelation and everything clicked and I came out bursting with joy and motivated for a new week.
Rather, I concluded once again that I am deeply sinful and selfish. And that somewhere over the course of the weekend I start believing that I can do this following Jesus thing by myself.
The beauty of that constant rediscovery of my inadequacy is that I am continually awed by grace. That Jesus would die for a sinner such as me. And that he would choose to entrust me with so many blessings, knowing how unfaithful I would be. But is that discovery enough? Yes, there is wonderful, abounding grace. But it is grace that compels action, right? Like the question in Romans, “Shall we go on sinning so that grace may abound? By no means!”
Faithfulness is obedience over an extended amount of time, right? I think I read that somewhere. I have to admit, I don’t think I ever really pray that the Lord would grow me in faithfulness. Truthfully, I wonder if I think I am being faithful. I have consistent time with Jesus – isn’t that being faithful? Nevermind the intermittent joy and the occasional snapping. Nevermind the dragon that so often rages in my heart.
If I look back over the past couple of years of what I’ve been learning, I think that’s where it’s all coming together – the discipline of being faithful. Consistent. Putting feet to my words and thoughts. Getting off the couch and choosing to be joyful even if it is Monday. Choosing to be faithful with what God has entrusted to me instead of wishing he was trusting me with something else or nothing at all. It’s what I’m constantly trying to teach Hadley and yet so often fail to live up to myself.
Sadly, I think I’ve said all this before. The Spirit seems to be taking His time with me. But with each layer that is peeled away, instead of feeling the weight of my guilt and shame, I am compelled to worship the God who saw my every failure and sent His Son to die anyway. While we were still sinners, Christ died for us. That makes me want to walk.
But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ—by grace you have been saved—and raised us up with him and seated us with him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus, so that in the coming ages he might show the immeasurable riches of his grace in kindness toward us in Christ Jesus. For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast. For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.