failed blogger.

posted in: the Dahls | 4

I should re-title.  Why reinforce the “you’re a failure” mantra running through my head?

But I believe in honesty.   So failure it is.

And while we’re being honest, I got fired.  Yep.  Fired from my Dream Job.  Can you even believe it?  I still can’t.  As I write those words, a rock sinks into the pit of my stomach and I feel a little like crying, a little like vomiting.

Ironically, it was just my last blog (7 months ago) that celebrated the acquisition of this Dream Job.  It turned out to be not quite as Dreamy as I hoped.  The work was wonderful and life-changing; my clients were some of the most interesting and beautiful people I’d met; and my coworkers included some of the most selfless people I’ve encountered.  But I have a big mouth (and I would argue, a big heart), and I did too much; asked too many questions; challenged too many old ideas and methods; and ultimately, helped a client beyond the realm of what was required.

Leading up to this, I was constantly growing in frustration with my work.  Anxiety filled my Sunday evenings, in anticipation of returning to work on Monday.  The environment had become so hostile and tense that I did my best to avoid being in the office and to be around clients when at all possible.  When I was with my clients and some coworkers, it was in fact my Dream Job.  But there were those who made it miserable, and they – unfortunately – were in charge.

As I struggled to maintain this physically and emotionally draining full-time job, I also attempted to manage an increasingly successful photography business (along with Nicole and Ang, of course :)), and be a mom.  I often found myself asking God, Is this how life is really supposed to be?  Perpetually exhausting? I was constantly thinking and scheming and planning how I could quit my job and pursue photography full-time, so I could be free to volunteer in the capacity that I longed to serve the refugee community.  I desperately craved time: to write, to play with Hadley, to grow as a photographer, and to be a better friend and neighbor.  But I feared that I did not have the money to step out and give it a shot.  The night before returning to work on that fateful Tuesday, I laid in bed and prayed, “God, I am always thinking about what’s next.  I’m so tired.  But maybe I should just ask you.  What do you want me to do?”  I went to bed peacefully, and went to work in the morning ready to embrace a new perspective that this must be what God has for me right now.

And then I got fired.

Oh the irony.

I know God can use anything to speak to us.  But really.  Fired??!

I could have probably just apologized, said I was wrong, put my head down, and shut my mouth.  But I don’t believe any job should require the sacrifice of who you are.  And I think there are worse reasons to be fired than doing what I felt (and still feel) was the right thing.  And I do believe I did the right thing.

But man, it hurts like hell.

I could really use a date with Jesus, but instead I’ve been hanging out a lot with my pillow.  I’ve given myself two weeks off – ask me how I’m doing next week.

But I guess I’m back in the blogging world.  I have no doubt that my newfound free time will quickly be filled with hobbies and play dates and *hopefully* photography sessions (one does have to pay the bills!), but I hope I will have time to take pictures for fun, to write, to read, and most importantly, to get to know this little toddler of mine.

4 Responses

  1. This is a blessing in disguise Kendra…everything will work out for you! I truly believe that. Love you!

  2. Kendra…
    WOW. That is all I can say. It’s also strange that I had a pretty stinkin’ similar situation at Scheels. I started in June… and right before Halloween was fired. Long story short… I think they didn’t like my personality, but told me I was an awful worker, couldn’t handle a fast paced environment, and couldn’t fit in with a team of people. I was super embarrassed when I got fired, I didn’t want to tell my mom… but then I realized that the world is a lot more corrupt then I want to believe and that even people I believe in or support can be backstabbers.
    I hope that God’s answer to prayer (which, I think was what mine kind of was too) brings bigger, better things but you still have time for all the awesome things that YOU want to do!

  3. I’m sorry Kendra.

    I’m sure you’ve heard that quite a bit and more than enough, but it remains true and I am sorry that this extra stress/blessing in disguise is now on your plate. I applaud you for being brave enough to take a couple weeks to reconfigure your life and thoughts. There’s not a lot of people who would realize that they need to do something like that. And not just that, but continue to stand by your convictions.

    You and Hadley will be in our prayers while you figure things out. I’m glad to hear that the photography business is growing so well–your photos are phenomenal! 🙂

    And if you’re ever in GF during your vacation time, you are more than welcome to stop by for a cup of coffee. There’s plenty of kids here to play with Hadley and give you a moment of grown-up talk (which is something that I now regret ever taking for granted).

    It’s good to see you back in the blogging world!

  4. I miss reading your blogs, I’m glad you’re back at it. 🙂 If they fired you for doing what is right, then they don’t deserve your passion & heart. Obviously something better is out there just waiting to be discovered by you.

    I love you and miss you terribly, can’t wait to see you this month!